DOGE – What does it mean for Australia!
A playful collage satirising government inefficiency, with a cartoon stomach labelled “Government Bloat,” a Shiba Inu in a stroller, and coins referencing the popular “doge” meme.
DOGE – No, Not the Coin!
For those of you in the know, you might be forgiven for thinking we’re about to embark on a lesson in crypto-canine currency, but fear not, there’s no Shiba Inu (although they are a cute cuddly medium-sized dog) in sight! Instead, “D.O.G.E” is the shorthand for “Department of Government Efficiency.” Why? Well, because Peter Dutton has just unveiled a freshly minted Shadow Minister for Government Efficiency and, much like a meme coin, the concept raises a few eyebrows. Lets just call it the shaDOGE minister…
Let’s set the scene. Prior to the 2024 U.S. election Donald Trump had coined the idea and newly minted concept and has since being elected begun it’s operation, and like anything Australian politics, we’ve fallen in lock step with our new overlords. In this week’s ministry reshuffle, Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price got the “DOGE” nod (that’s Shadow Minister for Government Efficiency-shaDOGE, I know, just run with it). Dutton says her new role will involve scouring the horizon for any sign of government waste. She’ll presumably be barking at wasted taxpayers’ dollars and chasing them off like a jack russell after the postie. Sounds good on paper, right?
But if there’s one thing we should know by now, it’s that actual canine crypto might make more sense than politicians reining in government pork, or is it the fox looking after the chicken coop, whichever it it is it’s highly likely that it will be inefficient inefficiency detection. If we ever do see a Minister (shadow or otherwise) bringing their own party to heel over questionable funding decisions, you’ll know we’ve entered an alternate reality, one where unicorns roam freely in the Tasmanian wilderness, or Tasmanian Tigers. Maybe we’ll need Matthew McConaughey, the master of alternate realities, to tell us it’s “alright alright alright” and we can travel to a reality where it will all work out.
Elon, Trump, and the Parallel Universe
But Wait—There’s More!
Here’s the rub: in the real world, governments of all stripes will always fund silly things (looking at you, “Sports Rorts,” “Car Park Rorts”, “Robodebt,” and anything else from the rort family tree). In fact, if the new Shadow Minister for Government Efficiency turns around, she might trip over that $18 million “parting gift” from Scott Morrison to the Governor-General. That’s right, $18 million was flagged for some vague philanthropic organisation with no website, no details, just a big ol’ question mark.
If governments truly want to “save money,” it might be wise to start by checking their own secret stashes. Because trust me, there’s a lot of money lying around with not much actual purpose. I’ve worked in departments where money is stashed with the hope of just continuing bureaucratic careers till retirement.
The Unaffordable Dream
But here’s where DOGE (that’s Department of Government Efficiency, remember) gets tested. Could it ever say “No!” to its own party’s glittering election promises or act as a fair and fearless referee on some misguided government initiative? Realistically, an “independent umpire” might work in principle, however, if a government is rushing in with a “just mandate it!” approach, they’ll probably do it anyway.
And that, dear reader, is why we might need to invest in binoculars to spot those mythical Tassie unicorns or long lost Tassie tiger, long before we rely on a minister, shadow or otherwise, to clamp down on waste in their own backyard.
Until then, I’ll keep an eye out for any new “DOGE” titles cropping up. We might not have Shiba Inu pups making millionaires overnight, but if a real watchdog emerges to protect taxpayers’ wallets, let me know. I’ll grab Senator Tammy Tyrrell as my spotting guide, and head straight for the Apple Isle. The magical land of all things mismanagement and efficiency, where the apple falls not far from the tree, lets not get started on Government Business Enterprise, can DOGE start in our patch first?
Now excuse me while I refresh my crypto wallet—just in case.
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